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Thursday, December 19, 2013

And Then I Asked

A few weeks ago I had a really bad day. I was having a "faith crisis", feeling lonely, and really just struggling. It was as if I was drowning in the kiddie pool. You know that feeling you get when you feel like you are falling through the ice and you are surrounded by a million people who love you but nobody seems to notice your falling until you are already under the ice. That was me.

I knew for certain that all I had to do was put my feet down in the kiddie pool and I would be okay. I knew all I had to do was yell out to someone—anyone that I was on thin ice and they would have thrown me a rope. I knew it without a doubt, but I also hated that knowledge.

I didn't want to have to ask to be helped. I didn't want to have "scream out" and cause a scene. I didn't want to come across as needy. I didn't want to have to tell those, that should already know, that I was hurting/struggling. I didn't want to ask.

And so I was stuck in this awful place of isolation surrounded by perfectly capable people.

I kept thinking, who helps the helpers?  I realized, unintentionally, that I set myself up with many of my friends to be the capable, confident, happy, motivated, busy, listener-friend. These things are true about me, I hadn't been putting on a facade. But, anyone who knows me and has been around me long enough knows I cry, have bad days, make mistakes, and have LOUD weaknesses. I watched myself fall from a pedistal (I never put myself on) in their eyes, as I reached out for help. oh, I thought I'm no allowed to be weak, struggle, ask questions....I see.

You know how people tend to have a role in your friendships? The "clown", the "drama queen", the "thinker", etc. I had become to many, "the helper" and so when I had turned to them, in the past, they had a hard time seeing me as someone who was struggling.  Just as was about to inch out my little turtle head of hurt—they shut me down and I retracted into my shell. This happened time and time again. So this time I wasn't inclined to ask for help.

After a battle with my pride, some self pity, and some great advice from a dear friend I finally asked the only person who I KNEW would listen and understand. I uttered a simple prayer, God, Please help me to feel loved. I need help and I don't know who to ask. I know you know who will understand and who is prepared to listen. So please send them my way.

As someone who has always believed in miracles, has relied on my faith many times—even I was amazed at the answers I received. The next day I got a letter from my friend who is South Carolina at Boot Camp and the entire letter was about the impact my friendship had made on his life and he was so specific about my strengths/gifts. He sent me such a tender mercy and I felt it. I got a VM that same day from a friend that said, Kylee, I don't know why but I feel like I need to listen to you. So if you have something on your heart that you need to share, give me a call. And the list goes on and on and on.

My problems aren't solved, my crisis hasn't gone away, but I was reminded what happens when I ask.
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you" (Matthew 7:7)

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